I know it’s bad timing, for, this one is not going to go down well with my old buddies. But it is about time I wrote this piece anyway, at least, to make myself believe that the choices I made were not excuses made in good faith. The trigger though, has been a few flicks I saw recently. Though, not the central theme in ‘Gran Torino(2008)’, old age, especially without one’s spouse where, children start to sell you old age home, was too much of a bother to be wished away ’It’s complicated(2009)’ also shows Meryl Streep (a divorcee) returning home, often, lonely while her children want to get away to do their bit, again, never the ‘complicated’ part in the movie but an underlying reality that, one must at some point in time, come to terms with. And, when it does, should one be stoic about it?
So, do you want to die alone or worse, amidst strangers?
It’s appalling how it often come to this.
How did we solve the ‘old age conundrum’ in the past?
In ancient India, the Hindu approach to Life was far ahead of its times. In latter half of one’s Life (Life comprised of four stages: Brahmacharya or the Celibate/Student, Grihasta ashrama or the House holder, Vanaprashata Ashrama the Hermit in semi retirement, Sannyasa Ashrama or Fully retired), a man was expected to ‘let go’ his attachments and step into a life of contemplation. Though, one is not sure whether everyone was willing to bite the bullet, one needs to appreciate the foresight that went into such holistic thinking. But that was a millennium ago. There are no forests anymore(well, in case, if you were looking for an excuse to stay home).
But even, till a few decades back, I guess, this was addressed reasonably well in our society. Before ‘nuclear’ families started sprouting up everywhere, the ‘Joint Family’ (or(HUF) Hindu’s Undivided Family) offered a model for many generations to stick it out together, with all socio-economic matters solved in favour of the whole family. Old age was not only solved; in fact, wisdom ruled. Why that failed would be a digression at this point.(another post, perhaps).
Anyway. When the issue of ‘the Old’ came up, some even had the guts to look the other way (to justify an unpleasant childhood (“Oh, he was never there for me”) while most of us looked at the hard choices before us; our career (a promotion, a tenure, the greenest of all the cards), our children’s future, oh guess what, parents figured last. Let’s accept it, after we branched out to a small unit of our own (read only as wife and children), parents no longer figured in it.
Oh, I am sure, many of us offered; something they declined politely too (“Oh, we feel like fish out of water here”). In fact, many of them honestly tried to adapt; but then, it was beyond them to get excited about iPod or the Alps. More of an identity crisis, I guess. Sometimes you get so institutionalized …the newspapers, TV serials, by lanes and market place, familiar faces, shops… the fish just wanted to get back to the backwaters of Kerala. And so there you are, son, feeling helpless and lost at the ‘flow’ of Life. But few fail to catch the amazement at how priorities have changed for us. For now, it has become ‘bearable’ to leave behind, some people who meant everything, once. And, that to me, is, Life’s great mystery.
No parents would request their children to sacrifice a career for them. They are just too proud; just love you so much, to stand in your way. Perhaps, they see it as a negation of their whole life to hold you back from building on what they strived to achieve. Yet, to let them just wither away, on an excuse ("But they said it was just fine, ok?")
I happened to catch Satyan Anthikad share some of his experiences meeting the old (as a promo to ‘Manasinakkare’ film). There was so much sadness around to make out what was right. Maybe, many of you might caught this one (I am sure), when you are willing to spare an extra minute to chat with some old relative, they just brighten up, wanting to go on and on…. (The same ‘yearn’ to feel important, beautifully captured in ’12 Angry Men(1957)’ where an old man lies as a witness just to be listened to. To feel important.)
I refrain from concluding that one should sacrifice career for family. My intent was rather to seek why it is a nagging issue for most of us. In my opinion, the reason for this internal strife can only be that, it was never our (forefathers’) way or the Indian way to begin with. ‘Career-orientation or focus’ is largely a western ‘carrot’ for an occidental mind to find hardly gratifying. Besides, at the root of it all lies the western education we have had. Taught to seek and repose faith on what is tangible and logical. A Career.
So maybe, there is no cruelty here. This is just the nature of life. For, one cannot have everything in life. Choices have to be made. Collateral damage is inevitable. Forward is our great password today. But, one would do well to realize, one only gets what one gives. And, it is very much possible that you unconsciously teach your children to give, only, what you gave your parents.
I hope you have thought through, else, maybe it’s about time you started considering the possibility of dying alone.
So, do you want to die alone or worse, amidst strangers?
It’s appalling how it often come to this.
How did we solve the ‘old age conundrum’ in the past?
In ancient India, the Hindu approach to Life was far ahead of its times. In latter half of one’s Life (Life comprised of four stages: Brahmacharya or the Celibate/Student, Grihasta ashrama or the House holder, Vanaprashata Ashrama the Hermit in semi retirement, Sannyasa Ashrama or Fully retired), a man was expected to ‘let go’ his attachments and step into a life of contemplation. Though, one is not sure whether everyone was willing to bite the bullet, one needs to appreciate the foresight that went into such holistic thinking. But that was a millennium ago. There are no forests anymore(well, in case, if you were looking for an excuse to stay home).
But even, till a few decades back, I guess, this was addressed reasonably well in our society. Before ‘nuclear’ families started sprouting up everywhere, the ‘Joint Family’ (or(HUF) Hindu’s Undivided Family) offered a model for many generations to stick it out together, with all socio-economic matters solved in favour of the whole family. Old age was not only solved; in fact, wisdom ruled. Why that failed would be a digression at this point.(another post, perhaps).
Anyway. When the issue of ‘the Old’ came up, some even had the guts to look the other way (to justify an unpleasant childhood (“Oh, he was never there for me”) while most of us looked at the hard choices before us; our career (a promotion, a tenure, the greenest of all the cards), our children’s future, oh guess what, parents figured last. Let’s accept it, after we branched out to a small unit of our own (read only as wife and children), parents no longer figured in it.
Oh, I am sure, many of us offered; something they declined politely too (“Oh, we feel like fish out of water here”). In fact, many of them honestly tried to adapt; but then, it was beyond them to get excited about iPod or the Alps. More of an identity crisis, I guess. Sometimes you get so institutionalized …the newspapers, TV serials, by lanes and market place, familiar faces, shops… the fish just wanted to get back to the backwaters of Kerala. And so there you are, son, feeling helpless and lost at the ‘flow’ of Life. But few fail to catch the amazement at how priorities have changed for us. For now, it has become ‘bearable’ to leave behind, some people who meant everything, once. And, that to me, is, Life’s great mystery.
No parents would request their children to sacrifice a career for them. They are just too proud; just love you so much, to stand in your way. Perhaps, they see it as a negation of their whole life to hold you back from building on what they strived to achieve. Yet, to let them just wither away, on an excuse ("But they said it was just fine, ok?")
I happened to catch Satyan Anthikad share some of his experiences meeting the old (as a promo to ‘Manasinakkare’ film). There was so much sadness around to make out what was right. Maybe, many of you might caught this one (I am sure), when you are willing to spare an extra minute to chat with some old relative, they just brighten up, wanting to go on and on…. (The same ‘yearn’ to feel important, beautifully captured in ’12 Angry Men(1957)’ where an old man lies as a witness just to be listened to. To feel important.)
I refrain from concluding that one should sacrifice career for family. My intent was rather to seek why it is a nagging issue for most of us. In my opinion, the reason for this internal strife can only be that, it was never our (forefathers’) way or the Indian way to begin with. ‘Career-orientation or focus’ is largely a western ‘carrot’ for an occidental mind to find hardly gratifying. Besides, at the root of it all lies the western education we have had. Taught to seek and repose faith on what is tangible and logical. A Career.
So maybe, there is no cruelty here. This is just the nature of life. For, one cannot have everything in life. Choices have to be made. Collateral damage is inevitable. Forward is our great password today. But, one would do well to realize, one only gets what one gives. And, it is very much possible that you unconsciously teach your children to give, only, what you gave your parents.
I hope you have thought through, else, maybe it’s about time you started considering the possibility of dying alone.
I just came across your blog (from Ashok's page). It is a sad reality and very relevant for all of us. Our children learn from how we treat our parents. Last week I overheard someone asking her boyfriend (would be) whether she would have to "look after" his parents, and whether they would move in with them after marriage. With more and more women being forced to work (due to peer-pressure and need to keep up with the rising EMIs), the ones who are suffering are the elder generations as well as the younger ones. I do not know how we could avoid this from being a sad reality like in US, where I feel that the higher crime rate is caused more by the lack of family support. We are seeing living examples of the danger that we are moving towards, but still do not get out of the flow.
ReplyDeleteAravindhan,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing my concern. Maybe it might interest you that my objective was to make the reader realize that there are two collateral damages to a career-focused life. (1) Your parents (2) a lonely old life. What is interesting is that one easily recongnized and even seems to have resigned to adjust to the first. But many of us have not really thought through what is to come eventually. The irony is that the two damages though so separated in time (that one does not see the karmic connection) are indeed so related. One largely a result of other! I was hoping the second fear factor could trigger a correction.